looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
