So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize