Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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