You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
