Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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