I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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