Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
