Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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