Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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