Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
