there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
