Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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