i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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