i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
