I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
