Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
