Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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