I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
