Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
