I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize