I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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