i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
