i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
