she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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