What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
