You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
