rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
