your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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