there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize