Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
