apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
