Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
