found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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