My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize