so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
