it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
