My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
