I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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