she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
