I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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