saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
