I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
