walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
