I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
