On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
