i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
