so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
