I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
