went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
