someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
