a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
