I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize