Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
