Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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